i'm signing you up for texting rehab
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
