I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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