my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
