you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
