Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
