you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize