I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Green mimosas i think yes
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
