The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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