FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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