life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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