you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
