Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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