i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
