and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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