I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
