hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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