I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
