Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
