Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
