1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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