I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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