Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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