y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
