Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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