I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
