The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize