high people should be assigned attendants
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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