So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
