I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
