Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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