ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
