allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
