I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I want her autograph on my taint
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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