seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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