Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
