I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
