Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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