I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
