I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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