i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
