$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
