I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize