her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
