"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
