My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
