Someone shit on the floor
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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