I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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