theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
