What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
