If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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