I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
