I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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