so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize