I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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