I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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