So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
