There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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