I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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