i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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