fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
