Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
