no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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