I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
